Diamond of mine
by Jessica J
Not happy like I used to be,
Loneliness has got the best of me.
Throughout my life, I’ve been accompanied by loneliness.
When I was in middle school, I found friendships in those who were oddballs like me. Among those who weren’t afraid to not-fit-in, I tried even harder to fit-out. Much of what I did was to get the most laughs or exhibit the wildest thoughts. I was an inventor of jokes, a performer of drama, and a gambler for the haphazard.
High school was no different. My friends complained about me trying to “steal the spotlight.” Then, in my first year of college, I was put down by everyone around me, both old and new to my life. When I emerged from the darkness, I returned to the spotlight which shone hotter than ever. I was in ecstasy. Homework was an opportunity for me to read the best, learn the most, and produce the most creative work. In class, I yearned to stand out and, in return, my professors loved me. I surrounded myself with friends who saw the light in me. I lived in perfection. This made me more lonely than ever.
Loneliness had taught me to be different and bold. Loneliness wanted me to be the best. Loneliness gave me control. Any insertion of reality that contradicted my dreamworld brought me back to black thoughts I had carefully categorized, folded, packaged, and stored offsite. The thoughts that told me I was devastatingly average. At times, when I realized I wasn’t everything I thought I was, Loneliness would sit with me in disappointment. I embraced it because I knew it had been my greatest friend and greatest enemy, the driving force in my life.
I’m on a blind quest to become the brightest diamond in a diamond necklace. In relationships, I want to be the one he loved the most, more than he loved anyone else. In life, I want to reach my greatest potential (which I believe is uniquely unique). Above all, I want to be happy. Be happy every day, see happiness all around me, and generate happiness in others. I’m lonely because there’s nothing telling me I’m perfect.
And so, without even noticing my loneliness, I hear The Supremes singing in my head, “Loneliness has got the best of me.” I’m no longer happy like I used to be.